Christmas 2009

Usually, I write an article for our annual "Sweet Greetings" publication. It didn't happen this year. Life happened in triplicate, it seemed. It's been a rollercoaster ride for months. In fact I am feeling downright "chiseled." (That term would only make sense to my friends from church).

Today is Christmas. While I am making every effort to center on the Christ of Christmas, I feel so "off-center." The most difficult lesson I seem to be facing is how to let go of things. Apparently, I am a bit of a control freak. Unfortunately, most of my experiences of late, are completely out of my control; things like an aging parent in failing health, people I love making bad choices, and even the day-to-day grind of doing business. All of these things affect us, and yet, we seemingly have no choice in the matter. To add to the frustration, my reactions have been anything, but kind, gentle, good, or patient. In fact, they have been lacking in just about every area that is positive. If only. . .

I dreamed once that I was allowed a day just to take a timeout from the humdrum and listen to nothing but the silence. It was as though nothing mattered except peace and quiet. Every poor decision, ache and pain was an eternity away. But then I woke up to the blaring radio and reality came back. The dream was lost, perhaps, but not entirely forgotten.

What if? As I am sitting here writing this, the day is settling into evening. The holiday festivities and chaos have subsided for a brief while. It's been an odd holiday, yet a holiday nonetheless. But, normal life is about to return. Tomorrow is trash day. I have to drive up to see my dad at the hospital. Then, I have to deal with an awkward situation. But for the moment, I am listening to the words in my head and hopefully the still small voice that reassures me everything will be okay and I will get through all of this. I need to do this more often.

This isn't my usual faire for our annual Christmas publication, but it is my Christmas wish just the same. May we all make the most of each moment when our world steps aside and lets us just be quiet. Sweet Greetings this Christmas.

On Patience

Today the message at church was about patience. I know I struggle with patience so it should be of no surprise to anyone that I would approach today's subject with a little apprehension. In fact, I would characterize much of my personality as being impatient. Given what is going on in my world right now, I think I have good reason to be impatient. You see, I am in the middle of buying a house. It seems like a lot of hurry to get this and that done, followed by days of hearing nothing. Then, there is the whole getting ready to move thing. On top of that, I am facing an aging parent with medical issues. Another family member is in perpetual financial need and looking to me for a bailout. It goes on and on and on.

My wife and I were driving home tonight and I was sullen. The joy of spending the day with the one I love doing things together was peppered with trying to solve other people's problems. I felt robbed. I actually found myself stating, "I don't know what God is trying to teach me, but I wish I would learn it NOW!" So much for patience.

I don't know if the speaker MEANT it like this, but this is what I HEARD. Patience is not so much holding one's cool in the midst of life's challenges, but rather responding in love to others in spite of the fact that they ARE a challenge. Impatience, on the other hand, is responding with frustration. This has been playing out a lot lately for me. I've noticed that as soon as I set a boundary, someone goes for the throat in challenging it. My usual response is to dig my heels in and challenge back with gusto. Pretty soon, the whole affair escalates into a pretty ugly situation. I feel beaten up, defeated and pretty much powerless to do anything but cave in. In the end, I end up just trying to hold myself together and get ready for the next onslaught. How fun is that?

But, what if I held firm in a manner that acknowledges their situation AND their ability to discover their own solution? Now, there's a novel concept. In our discussion, my wife pointed out how often we insert ourselves into other people's situations either because they invite us or because we offer solutions all too quickly. In either situation, we are likely to grow impatient as we assume more responsibility and the other party assumes less.

So patiently I need to continue to set the boundaries and expect the push back. And yes, there will be push back. But, I need to patiently endure it in order that we will both grow from the experience. I need to patiently respond to the trial and error of others and myself as we move forward and become more and more refined in our adult responsibilities. I need to be less crotchety in my maturing years and pay forward that grace which was extended to me when I was first learning the ropes of life. I need a good dose of patience to respond not with ready advice and solutions but rather with guidance and example.

You see, the old wolf can still learn a new trick or two.

Of This I'm Sure. . . I think

This has been a difficult entry into this blog because I want to ensure, more than ever, that I am thoughtful about what I am saying. I decided to release it in multiple postings so that I could really give some thought to it. Besides that, it’s too dang long to read in one sitting. Personally, I have the attention span of Golden Retriever, so short segments are always good. Here is part One.

One of my favorite authors is Donald Miller (Blue Like Jazz and To Own a Dragon). For those that don’t know Donald Miller, he is a Christian writer with a profound sense of wisdom in the whole notion of being in the World, but not of it. One of the things that resonates with me is that Miller does not take an “in your face” approach to living one’s faith, but rather he espouses to what I would call “relational humility” as we interface with the world in which we live. Don’t assume that Miller is soft on truth. Quite the contrary. But what is certain is that as Christians, we cannot storm the castle without first looking at our own behavior to make sure our own house is in order.

One of my favorite Donald Miller stories is about when he was a student at Reed College in Portland, Oregon. At one of the college’s more radical annual celebrations, Donald, and a few of his Christian friends, erected a booth to offer apologies for all of the wrongs Christians had invoked on humanity for the past several centuries. At first, students were skeptical, but as Donald and company engaged people in authentic apologies followed by authentic relationship, skepticism eroded into guarded trust. This action did not result in revolutionary change for Reed College, but it did give a few individuals on both sides of the apology something to think about. I think we would do well to offer a compassionate shoulder for the world to lean on rather than meeting it with a judgmental finger.

We live in a society where almost everything comes down to a “moralitical” issue. (“Moralitical” is my word for the collision between morality and politics). Each side regards the other as unenlightened, intolerant and downright evil. And each side is more than willing to outshout the other side in order to be heard. The real tragedy to all of this is that millions of people searching for answers to some of these big questions can’t be heard over the clattering rhetoric. Moralitics has become the clanging cymbal referred to in I Corinthians 13.

So what is the answer? I am but a mere man. However, I would like to make a suggestion. Unfortunately, that will have to wait and be the subject of my next blog. Thanks for your time.

Climbing Higher

A couple of weeks ago, I went mountain climbing with my brother. I wasn't quite ready to go clear to the top and while I disappointed myself a little, I knew the mountain would be there in the future and I would make another attempt to stand on the top. Yet, in the journey, there were lessons I took away that are so significant.

Lesson One: A journey begins with a single step.

I had been trying to convince myself to try something like this for several years. But, I always had an excuse. Who knows what prompted me to finally try it, but I'm sure it was realizing that life is too short to wait for a better day. Opportunnity never becomes as precious a comodity as when one realizes he has let too many of them pass. What was I waiting for? And so, here I was taking the first step.

Now, my brother is an accomplished mountain climber. And yet, here he was, taking time to lead a novice up the trail. I've always admired his call to adventure and at times felt a little intimidated by his skill. And yet, he showed no judgement at my lack of ability (and equipment). He encouraged me and taught me along the way.

The journey of first steps was not so much getting out of the car and heading up the trail. The first steps were more about letting go of my own ego and being willing to try even if I didn't succeed.

Lesson Two: God speaks volumes in the most intriging ways.

For me, it was a spitiual journey. I always feel a little closer to the Almighty in places like that. Years ago, I tried some cold weather camping by myself. I wanted to see if I could face the wild completely alone on its terms. What I found is that once I get away from the din of everyday life, God has my undivded attention and His voice booms loud and clear. John Eldredge said that woman was created in the Garden, but man was created in the Outback. What he meant is that men have a natural born tendency to interacting with nature. It is in our pedigree to meet God under the wildest of circumstances.

A few years ago, my friend Bill and I were talking about this. We were spending a weekend at his beach house and we were headed to the grocery store for some salad items. Bill decided to take a detour. he asked me if I was up for a little adventure. I agreed. We didn't take a back road. No, we were headed onto the beach (beach driving was legal there). The next thing we were four-wheeling over rocks to get back to the main road. Sea water was lapping dangerously close, but eventually we made it back to the main road. Here we were, two grown men in their mid forties laughing up a storm like we'd just exited a thrill ride at a carnival.

Life is about risks and sometimes we are never more alive than when we are in the midst of one. There were a few moments when I really wondered why I was standing on the side of a mountain with loose rocks trying to climb up. Then I would turn around and see the view of the vast expanse and realize how small I really am and how big God is. I became less. He became more. That's not a bad position to be in.

Lesson Three: People are more important than issues.

I had a friend who tried to drill this notion into my head everytime he faced a conflict. On the day of the climb, I wasn't facing any particular conflicts, but I was conflicted. In my day to day life, I am feeling stressed and stretched. There are too many things that preoccupy my mind. I'm not doing well at handling any of it. Most of what I am conflicted about are things over which I have no control. Moreover, I care too much about what others think of me and all that I say and do. I can't control that anymore than I could control the forces of nature I encountered that particular day. But, I am learning that what others think of me is not nearly as important as who I am as a person.

Yesterday, after feeling misjudged and berated, I responded with anger. My wife responded that I tended to write people off too quickly. She's right. I can't control what others think of me, but I can control how I react. I've kind of adopted a phrase lately, "It is what it is." Maybe I should say, "You are who you are and God loves you for who you are. Who am I to think any less of you than He does?

The wolf is becoming more centered.

Soaring

Have you ever felt the urge to fly high above the earth without the safety of a net? I admit, it is the stuff scary dreams are made of. Okay, so I wasn't exactly flying without a net, but I was tethered to the back of a boat by a nylon rope strapped into a harness attached to a parachute. Just 600 feet of rope between me and the back of the boat soaring over the deep blue waters of the Pacific. Only a few minutes of actual flying time, but years of stress melted away.

There is an eerie quiet when one is totally alone in a situation like that. There is the rush of wind as it fills the chute and lifts you higher and higher. I know how a kite feels as it fights the tension of the string when the wind catches it just right. I felt that jolt once in awhile during my short flight. Fear I had felt only a few short moments before while waiting for my turn were suddenly gone.

I am not a thrillseeker by nature. I leave that to my daughter who is always willing to try anything daring at least once. I play it safe, choosing to plant myself firmly on the ground and never take a risk. I don't want to push the envelope for fear I might get pushed back. Gravity is my ally as long as it is never challenged. The trouble with not challenging gravity is that it makes one vulnerable to assume more burden. Eventually that leads to being weighted down to the point of being immobile. Self confidence has not been my strong suit. As a result, I would assume every failure was my failure. What I found is that by taking that position, I actually invited others to shed their own responsibility. As much as I would love to say, "that ends now," I know that I will take two steps forward and three back until I master this. But, I also know that a course correction is necessary.

A centered and peaceful life means taking a risk to escape that which keeps us mired and trapped. It may be something as simple as letting go of those things that preoccupy us from the things that really matter. But, one should be prepared for the likelihood that it might mean taking bolder steps and either minimizing or completely eliminating toxicity in our lives. Everyday, we encounter toxic situations and people. We can avoid those situations and people all together OR at the very least, we can choose to minimize the impact on our lives. I, personally would like to at least try it and hopefully feel the freedom to soar a little higher.

In the Beginning

I have always had a fascination with wolves. They are my favorite animal. I think it is because even though they run in packs, they also have an individuality about them. They can be loners as well. That aptly describes me. But, what attracts me most to the wolf is that they are full of mystery, sometimes behaving as though randomly searching for something. And so I write here, to express my innermost wolf and hopefully to focus my personal world a little more.

Who knew, it would take a long overdue vacation to get me to thinking about where I've been and where I want to be? But there I was heading to Maui for a weeklong respite from the chaos of everyday life. It had been a particularly difficult year at my job. My personal life, though less stressful, was no picnic either. And so it was time to get away from it all.

I had never been to Hawaii and so with reckless abandon, we picked Maui as our destination. Tickets were bought, reservations were made and the day arrived for us to leave. What layed before me was a week of facing the "giants" in my life and coming away with a new found sense of purpose. What I left on the tarmac at Portland Airport was a year's worth of frustration and self doubt if only for a few days (it would be there when I returned).

I do need to provide a little context here, though. I enjoy my job and the work that I do, however, over the past several months, I had begun to lose the joy of going to work every day. At first I thought it was just me. But, then I realized that circumstances beyond my control were calling the shots. An economy was in turmoil and people were frightened. I work in education policy and the whole field was in a freefall. Like most people, educators were angry at someone, but nobody in particular. And those on the verge of idocy turned into full blown personality disorders. I felt hammered.

Standing in the warm surf watching the sun set between two islands and experiencing the sea breezes began to massage my tension into a delightful calm. From that moment, all the criticism, anger and outright hostility that had been directed my way nearly half an ocean away, ebbed into insignificance. The toxic people I had encountered over the past year became inconsequential. Oh I would have to deal with them once again, when I returned, but when I deal with them from this point on, it will be from a place of stronger peace rather than weak anger.

And so in the coming days, weeks and months, I will share my experiences and learnings as I begin to center around what really matters and what is worth fighting for rather than looking for promise in the ego feeding frenzy that ruled my world up to now.