Where is this coming from?

It's been one of those manic Mondays. Up one minute and down the next. At work, I got hammered for decisions I made and a few minutes later received accolades for something else. So, I'm a bit emotional tonight. When that happens, I retreat and write. And so, here you go.


I've been having that crisis of faith lately. The one where you wonder how God loves you even when you screw up all the time? You know what I'm talking about. But here I am taking the leap anyway and testing God. Mind you, I am NOT testing God in the sense that I am pushing an envelop with God. I may be thick headed and stubborn, but I am NOT stupid. Nobody ought to push the envelop with God. He might push back and that would be most unpleasant. No, what I mean is that I am asking God to do some mighty things in my life.

You see, I am a doubter and there are some pretty ugly things in my life that I want to just go away. I'm going to take the plunge and ask God to get rid of it once and for all. And if I know God the way I think I do, He will. But in its place I am also asking for that thing that makes living a life of faith real. I am asking that the life I live will be one of boldness and courage. So how's that working out? First let me say that what I write here is not done so to toot my own horn. Believe me, some of what has happened lately has me reeling with bewilderment.

It began with casual conversations, but I realized more people actually read "Centering the Wolf" than I thought. At first, people would comment on the writing itself, but lately more and more people have talked about the content of the writing. Admittedly, it has been more focused on my own relationship with my Creator than at the beginning. So, maybe it's striking a chord with people. What's more, I've actually wanted to engage in more conversation with them. Most of the time, it has been co-workers who talked to me about what I have written here. Wow.

Last Friday evening I went for a massage. I hadn't been in since January and I was pretty much a knotted up mess. I like my massage therapist, because, for one thing, he does fantastic work to get my kinks out. The second reason is that he is visually impaired and for a man with body image issues having a blind massage therapist is truly a gift. I've been going to him for a little over nine months and in that time I maybe conversed with him two times and most of the time it had to do with how much pressure he should apply. On Friday, he was particularly chatty. You see, I had recently had to cancel my last appointment with him to attend a marriage conference at my church. He was inquisitive about my take on marriage since he considered his former marriage to be one his biggest mistakes and secondly what was my take on church since he was a pastor's kid and the experience was less than expected. Before long, I found myself inviting him to give church another try even offering to take him since driving himself is out of the question. He said he might consider going, if for no other reason than he thought church might be a good place to meet good single women (his words, not mine). Maybe it was my heightened state of relaxation, but something inside me just said "go with this, even if all you do is plant a seed." I'm just going to give God credit for making me bold in that moment, because if you truly know me, you know what a big chicken I really am.

Today, a co-worker stated to me that I am not good at one aspect of my job because I have a soft heart. It wasn't until a few moments afterward that I realized I should have thanked her for the comment. You see? That is how I am created. It was an "ah ha" moment for me. Could I get better at that aspect of my job? Certainly. But, more importantly, I never want to lose my heart for people. That is the legacy I want to leave.

I've been trying to write songs again. I haven't done it since college. But, last week I picked it up again. As I was pondering the next stage of my life, I wanted to capture my thoughts with these words:

When I come to the end of my days,

And I fall face down at Your feet.

May I hear Your sweet voice say to me,

"Well done. Come and enter in."

Live well and love even more.

Being Awestruck

My wife and I attended a gathering tonight. It was an evening of humor, laughter and insight. At one point discussion turned toward the mysteries of God--namely the idea of the Trinity. How can God be God, but be also man and spirit? We laughed and bantered about trying to explain the infinitely unnatural in human terms.

Later, on the drive home, my wife and I talked about it some more. For a moment I became lost in the awesomeness of it. I can't even begin to understand God. Nor can I explain how a being so vast and so eternal can be so personal as to want a relationship with me. I just have to accept on faith that He is and He does.

I've been struggling with doubt--wondering how a man with all of my hang-ups, habits and hurts could ever be worthy of the love of One so magnificent. The truth is I am not worthy. And then it struck me. It is not about my worth or lack of worth that matters. It is that God sees me (and each one of us) as a treasure of incalculable value. I am going to try to make that idea real in my day to day life.

Getting Reacquainted with an Old Friend

This year, the series at church is simply Jesus. Who is this man? What is the balance between his divinity and his humanness? Today I felt like I was getting reacquainted with an old friend. But, more than that I realized that at this juncture in my life and my life as a Christian, I am still so immature.

Early in my life as a Christian, I had been accused of living from one mountain top experience to another which coincidentally coincided with my attendance at camp or some retreat. But, as I have gotten older, I don't attend as many retreats and so those experiences are fewer and farther between. As a younger man, I looked to wiser men and women of faith and said, "I want what they have." But without a firm grasp of what they truly had, I would sink into despair and life would all too soon return to the routine and guilt and shame would replace zeal and hope. Now, people regard me as being all together and some even look to me as one of those seasoned saints with lots of experience. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I feel like a huge phony when it comes to matters of the spiritual heart. What you see is not necessarily what you get. Well, that ends now.

I still want what those other men and women have when it comes to facing the worst life has to throw at us and still remain hopeful and faithful to the One who is above all else. I have a frend from college who is battling colon cancer. What impressed me most about my friend, Steve pre-cancer, was his insanely positive (and humorous) outlook on life. Unless he reads this, he may never know that I saw the way he lived and wanted so much to live life like he does. But now, here is Steve in the midst of a hostile and at times, hopeless battle. And from what I can tell, Steve is facing this with amazing courage and a very positive and hopeful outlook. I'm sure there are moments where he may become overwhelmed and he may even question why. But, Steve's preparation for this battle was his faithful and strong belief in something far greater than this life. And when Steve needed God to show up, God did so in a big way! Is Steve healed? No. But what an inspiration he is to so many of us.

I've made a lot of mistakes. The things of my past haunt me. And now that I've driven the proverbial stake in the ground to mark this moment, I'm sure I can count on pushback from forces both tangible and spiritual. Bring it on. I want others to know that what they see is what they get.

Today, I got reaquainted with an old friend. I am so blessed that the worst of what life has to offer can be met with the best of what Heaven has to offer.