I've been having that crisis of faith lately. The one where you wonder how God loves you even when you screw up all the time? You know what I'm talking about. But here I am taking the leap anyway and testing God. Mind you, I am NOT testing God in the sense that I am pushing an envelop with God. I may be thick headed and stubborn, but I am NOT stupid. Nobody ought to push the envelop with God. He might push back and that would be most unpleasant. No, what I mean is that I am asking God to do some mighty things in my life.
You see, I am a doubter and there are some pretty ugly things in my life that I want to just go away. I'm going to take the plunge and ask God to get rid of it once and for all. And if I know God the way I think I do, He will. But in its place I am also asking for that thing that makes living a life of faith real. I am asking that the life I live will be one of boldness and courage. So how's that working out? First let me say that what I write here is not done so to toot my own horn. Believe me, some of what has happened lately has me reeling with bewilderment.
It began with casual conversations, but I realized more people actually read "Centering the Wolf" than I thought. At first, people would comment on the writing itself, but lately more and more people have talked about the content of the writing. Admittedly, it has been more focused on my own relationship with my Creator than at the beginning. So, maybe it's striking a chord with people. What's more, I've actually wanted to engage in more conversation with them. Most of the time, it has been co-workers who talked to me about what I have written here. Wow.
Last Friday evening I went for a massage. I hadn't been in since January and I was pretty much a knotted up mess. I like my massage therapist, because, for one thing, he does fantastic work to get my kinks out. The second reason is that he is visually impaired and for a man with body image issues having a blind massage therapist is truly a gift. I've been going to him for a little over nine months and in that time I maybe conversed with him two times and most of the time it had to do with how much pressure he should apply. On Friday, he was particularly chatty. You see, I had recently had to cancel my last appointment with him to attend a marriage conference at my church. He was inquisitive about my take on marriage since he considered his former marriage to be one his biggest mistakes and secondly what was my take on church since he was a pastor's kid and the experience was less than expected. Before long, I found myself inviting him to give church another try even offering to take him since driving himself is out of the question. He said he might consider going, if for no other reason than he thought church might be a good place to meet good single women (his words, not mine). Maybe it was my heightened state of relaxation, but something inside me just said "go with this, even if all you do is plant a seed." I'm just going to give God credit for making me bold in that moment, because if you truly know me, you know what a big chicken I really am.
Today, a co-worker stated to me that I am not good at one aspect of my job because I have a soft heart. It wasn't until a few moments afterward that I realized I should have thanked her for the comment. You see? That is how I am created. It was an "ah ha" moment for me. Could I get better at that aspect of my job? Certainly. But, more importantly, I never want to lose my heart for people. That is the legacy I want to leave.
I've been trying to write songs again. I haven't done it since college. But, last week I picked it up again. As I was pondering the next stage of my life, I wanted to capture my thoughts with these words:
When I come to the end of my days,
And I fall face down at Your feet.
May I hear Your sweet voice say to me,
"Well done. Come and enter in."
Live well and love even more.
