Blogger's Note:
In as much as possible, I will share my experiences as I participate in this particular walk with God. However, there may be moments so intensely personal, that you will just have to be okay with hearing the highlight. It's just a window into my world. Enjoy.
Getting Ready:
I decided to set aside some of the edible and drinkable pleasures of life this year during the Season of Lent. My brother, spoke of doing a thing called a Daniel Fast. He did it sometime early last year and then again shortly after his son was deployed to Afghanistan. I was curious. I inquired and he happily shared resources. I was attracted by the health aspects of the fast as well as the potential to really engage with God during the time. He asked when I might begin. I replied rather boldly that I planned on doing it during Lent. He asked how long Lent was and I relayed back that it was 46 days. I’d start on Ash Wednesday and conclude on the Saturday before Easter. I really didn’t understand. We talked about the fact that the most difficult hurdle would be overcoming my addiction to caffeine through coffee. You see, I have about a three to four large cup a day habit. The headaches alone would be daunting enough without also rearranging my diet. I decided to begin Lent by abstaining from coffee and eventually worked my way off of all manner of caffeine. But, the Daniel Fast would require extensive readjustment.
The Daniel Fast is based on the experiences of Daniel (the same of the lion’s den fame) as he stayed true to God by refusing to eat of King Nebuchadnezzar’s delicacies, or that which might have been sacrificed to idols. It is our modern attempt to set aside our own “delicacies” and enter into a time of true reflection and communion with God. Food is a universal need that we all have, but we have packaged in pleasure to a point of almost worshipping it. Like any fast, we set aside the distractions in order to replace it with a deeper communion with God. That is what motivated me to begin. The details were not impossible, but would require discipline and determination.
I read that I was to cut out all animal protein (including dairy), sugar, anything fermented, and any refined fruits, grains and vegetables. In fact, this diet would have me reading food labels in an effort to abstain from any product made with any ingredient that couldn’t be pronounced or was possibly the result of the joining of two or more elements from the periodic table. Simply put, I would need to learn to dine on seeds, nuts, grains, legumes, vegetables, fruits, juices and water. I could utilize sea salt, herbs and spices as well as things like stevia and agave nectar. Honey was between me and God. I think I heard him say “go for it.” In fact, I hear him say “Go for it!” each and every day as I walk this journey.
I hope to share some thoughts along the way.
Daniel Fast Day 1: Sunday, March 18, 2012
Here I am coming off a nasty sinus infection and about to begin this. Everything in me says, “Does it really matter whether I begin today or tomorrow? Yes, I am beginning today.”
This is one time when being sick sort of worked in my favor. I got up and did breakfast. Ate a little hot cereal and soy milk, but went back to bed. By the time I felt like eating again, my lovely wife had made a black bean, quinoa, brown rice and vegetable mixture that tasted pretty darned good. I ate it and some fruit, but needed to head back to bed to try and get well. I’d been off work most of the previous week and I received a Sunday call from my boss wondering what the prognosis for a Monday arrival at the office might be.
I have to give kudos to my wife. She isn’t participating in the fast officially, but she is very supportive and will try what I’m eating. I really wasn’t much into spiritual awakening, yet, but I did feel guilty for missing church.
Daniel Fast Day 2: Monday, March 19, 2012
It’s the first day back to work and I had to face a little demon I created all by myself—the dreaded chocolate bowl. I started throwing out chocolate in a bowl a couple of years ago, as a way of spreading a little sunshine in the office. I can always tell how bad a day it is at work, by how many visitors drop by to indulge. I don’t mind it. But, today, after being gone for a week it needed filling and I luckily had my Costco size bag of mini bars ready. It’s full and I am happy to report that I avoided it all day long. However, I think the better part of me recognizes that it may need to be temporarily relocated to someone else’s cubicle.
Elaine had Bible study tonight and I was home alone with a pantry full of “delicacies.” But, I dined on Sprouted Bean Soup and veggie burger patty (my first ever). Not bad. The hummus I added made it a little more savory. I tried to watch TV, but quickly noticed that every other commercial is selling food. My “ah-ha” moment was that we really have created an entire industry out of pleasuring each other with food. It’s sexy, succulent, beautiful, steamy, and just about any other pleasure induced adjective we can find to describe it. I probably made it through 30 minutes of TV and I decided my time would be better spent trimming and coloring my beard (apparently, I didn’t give up vanity) and pretending to be a country music singer.
Daniel Fast Day 3: Tuesday, March 20, 2012
After a grueling day at work, I came home and made a dinner of veggie burger, potato and fresh vegetables in lemon infused olive oil. Tasty. My wife needed to run an errand and I demanded to go, mostly because I could tell that I was only three days in and my resolve was already beginning to erode. We left. While she was out of the car, I pondered how I could get through this. And then I remembered Daniel. When he requested the special diet, his overseer was quite concerned. His overseer saw to it the King’s servants (of which Daniel was one) were required to be healthy in appearance. He was convinced that if Daniel only ate a diet of vegetables, this would not be the case and the overseer saw nothing but his own doom in his future. But, Daniel insisted and promised that God would come through for both himself and the overseer. The overseer finally relented and provided Daniel his request. After ten days, Daniel not only looked healthy, but his own health surpassed those of the other servants who ate the King’s diet. God came through.
I know this will be a prayer I will repeat each day. Who am I kidding? I will repeat it hourly if not moment by moment. “God, the only way I am going to be able to do this is if you step in and remove the distraction of my want of the tasty delicacies I have become so accustomed to having.”
Tuesday, March 20, 2012
Thursday, December 29, 2011
The Thing About New Year's
Every year I make New Year’s resolutions. Many of them are forgotten by January 2. But, then I also think about what my life was like a year ago. Have I gotten better with age or has age gotten better with me? Either way, time marches forward and we never get to have these moments again. Passage of time is interesting. On one hand, the passage of time can be a very welcome relief, especially when we want to put as much distance between us and that horrible mistake in the past. We rejoice in the notion that we never have to have that experience again. At other times, the passage of time is an unwelcome guest. We want that wonderful moment to last forever. But time shows up and robs us of that experience and replaces it with a mere memory. Even so, we are motivated to move to the next moment in time when we can feel that emotion again. It’s what they call, life.
The Roman god, Janus, for whom we get the word, January, is a two faced being. One face looks forward and one face looks backward. He is the god of beginnings and transitions. Appropriate that the first month of every New Year is named for this god. We tend to look forward with hope and anticipation and we look back with, well, every emotion. Some look back with fond memories while others look back with despair. No matter what, the past is the past and we put it in our memory bank.
Sitting here in my favorite space (my office), I think back to this year gone by and while there are things I regret, the abundance of things for which I am grateful, more than make up for the regret. There were holiday and vacation memories that will last the rest of my life. There were accomplishments and successes for which I can be proud. There were lessons learned and lessons taught, new relationships forged and old relationships rekindled, and deeper understanding that comes with age and experience. All of these things are the fabric of my life, my being, my soul. They are the things that I dwell on when the daily grind overwhelms and threatens to steal my joy. Yes, this is the important stuff that drives me forward to the next grand vista. But it isn’t what’s most important.
The important thing is that I have shared this wonderful journey with an amazing woman. We have shared in the upbringing of an amazing daughter. This is not a pride thing. I am humbled that God chose me to live this amazing life with these amazing people. I don’t deserve any of this, but God in his absolute grace gave me this journey to walk. And the beautiful thing is I don’t think it’s anywhere near over, yet. Yes, the past is the past. It is a memory, but the future is full of hope. I am ready to take the next step.
Happy New Year !
The Roman god, Janus, for whom we get the word, January, is a two faced being. One face looks forward and one face looks backward. He is the god of beginnings and transitions. Appropriate that the first month of every New Year is named for this god. We tend to look forward with hope and anticipation and we look back with, well, every emotion. Some look back with fond memories while others look back with despair. No matter what, the past is the past and we put it in our memory bank.
Sitting here in my favorite space (my office), I think back to this year gone by and while there are things I regret, the abundance of things for which I am grateful, more than make up for the regret. There were holiday and vacation memories that will last the rest of my life. There were accomplishments and successes for which I can be proud. There were lessons learned and lessons taught, new relationships forged and old relationships rekindled, and deeper understanding that comes with age and experience. All of these things are the fabric of my life, my being, my soul. They are the things that I dwell on when the daily grind overwhelms and threatens to steal my joy. Yes, this is the important stuff that drives me forward to the next grand vista. But it isn’t what’s most important.
The important thing is that I have shared this wonderful journey with an amazing woman. We have shared in the upbringing of an amazing daughter. This is not a pride thing. I am humbled that God chose me to live this amazing life with these amazing people. I don’t deserve any of this, but God in his absolute grace gave me this journey to walk. And the beautiful thing is I don’t think it’s anywhere near over, yet. Yes, the past is the past. It is a memory, but the future is full of hope. I am ready to take the next step.
Happy New Year !
Sunday, December 18, 2011
A Modern Day Christmas Carol
Old Russ Sweet was as dead as a doornail. And while that might bring a welcome relief to some, it isn’t to me. One of my favorite Christmas stories is the one spun by Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol. It is a tale not so much about the miserly old skin flint, Ebenezer Scrooge, as it is about his redemption. If only all of us could have such a dramatic second chance to get it right. This Christmas it seems like I have been visited by my own ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. It isn’t quite the same way as old Ebenezer. But it has happened in way. So permit me this small digression into my own modern day Christmas Carol.
To set the stage, let me just say that as I write this, I am kind of on the verge of tears. It’s been that kind of day. No, it’s been that kind of fall. No, even that isn’t accurate. It’s been that kind of season, year, decade, life. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to really focus on what’s truly important about this time of year. There is this panic that sets in sometime about October where I start to think about how busy things are going to get from about Halloween until well into January. So much to do. . . so little time. This year was particularly stressful because we decided it would be a good time to renovate our rental. And there you have it – a recipe for depressing disaster. As I sat in church this morning, I reflected on my own increasing level of irritability, melancholy and just plain old fashioned stress. I realized that once again, I forgot what this is all about. I’ve heard the pleas a hundred times over the years. “Remember the reason for the season.” And yet, here I was trying to grasp at something that has eluded all of us way too often.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
My Ghost of Christmas Past was visited on me the moment I started to imagine and plan for Christmas 2011. It’s been a tough go these past three Christmases. Two days after Christmas in 2008 my wife’s mom passed away. A year later in 2009, we were still trying to get through that first anniversary. Last year we were a mere five months out from my brother’s death trying to put on a brave front and celebrate anyway (Christmas was his holiday). I just wanted this year to be different. But, life happens. A nephew is in Afghanistan, the economy’s trying to recover, we’re trying to remodel a house, and the kids are in crisis, blah, blah, blah. Little things become big things. I can’t find the outdoor lights from last year, the lighted buck won’t light up and the office party at my house is a week away and I haven’t gotten my act together. I’m starting to unravel. Correction! My wife would say that I am completely unraveled. Thank God for her optimism.
The good news about all of the stuff that goes wrong in any one event we plan is that what we remember are only the things that went right. I’d like to think of it as divine forgetfulness. I don’t know who put this out there, but a flawless plan for anything is inherently flawed. In other words, the perfect holiday is as elusive as unicorns and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It didn’t happen then and it isn’t happening now.
The Ghost of Christmas Present
Today is that friendly reminder that in order to truly celebrate Christmas, we need to remember what it’s all about. Yes, Jesus is the Reason for the Season. I get that. But, there are gifts to buy, cookies to bake, parties to throw and attend, and oh, by the way, don’t forget to celebrate, Celebrate, CELEBRATE! So, like everyone else on the planet, I’m trying to create something memorable out of the chaos of the entire holiday buzz. Add to that that I suffer from peoplepleasinitis, a condition by which one takes personal responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and what do you get? A weeping fool curled up in the fetal position and lying in a corner. What went wrong? What is going to go wrong? The holidays will come and go and I won’t be any happier or fulfilled than I am right now. Or will I????
The Ghost of Christmas Future
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that chasing illusions will only lead to a lot of wasted effort and fatigue. What’s real is that Christmas isn’t about children getting everything on their endless wish list. It isn’t about trying to recreate memories of years gone by or mimicking the plotline of a warm holiday movie. It isn’t even the gathering of family and friends for a good old fashioned Norman Rockwell moment. While all of that might be fun and exciting, it doesn’t even come close to what Christmas is about.
Today, I received news from a young man, whom I came to know this past fall, about the birth of his son. I congratulated him. He sent me back a text letting me know how much our friendship meant to him. I wept. (I told you it was an emotional day.) It occurred to me that if you strip away all of the unmet (and met) expectations of a holiday, what’s left are moments of connection with one another in ways that seem so insignificant and yet are so profound. Even more is that we aren’t distracted from connecting deeply with our Creator. It came down to a decision. Do I just keep trying to keep trying? Or do I let go of the elusive dream in favor of living in the moment, no matter how imperfect it is? Next week there will be friends and family gathered at my house to celebrate Christmas. We will attempt to serve a nice meal and we might even break out the fine china. The house is decorated warmly. But every one of the guests and the host are fallible human beings. Something will not go as planned. And that will have to be okay. Like Ebenezer Scrooge, I hope this season is a season of redemption for me as it was for him in Dickens’ old yarn. Let it be said like this:
“. . . and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!”
To set the stage, let me just say that as I write this, I am kind of on the verge of tears. It’s been that kind of day. No, it’s been that kind of fall. No, even that isn’t accurate. It’s been that kind of season, year, decade, life. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to really focus on what’s truly important about this time of year. There is this panic that sets in sometime about October where I start to think about how busy things are going to get from about Halloween until well into January. So much to do. . . so little time. This year was particularly stressful because we decided it would be a good time to renovate our rental. And there you have it – a recipe for depressing disaster. As I sat in church this morning, I reflected on my own increasing level of irritability, melancholy and just plain old fashioned stress. I realized that once again, I forgot what this is all about. I’ve heard the pleas a hundred times over the years. “Remember the reason for the season.” And yet, here I was trying to grasp at something that has eluded all of us way too often.
The Ghost of Christmas Past
My Ghost of Christmas Past was visited on me the moment I started to imagine and plan for Christmas 2011. It’s been a tough go these past three Christmases. Two days after Christmas in 2008 my wife’s mom passed away. A year later in 2009, we were still trying to get through that first anniversary. Last year we were a mere five months out from my brother’s death trying to put on a brave front and celebrate anyway (Christmas was his holiday). I just wanted this year to be different. But, life happens. A nephew is in Afghanistan, the economy’s trying to recover, we’re trying to remodel a house, and the kids are in crisis, blah, blah, blah. Little things become big things. I can’t find the outdoor lights from last year, the lighted buck won’t light up and the office party at my house is a week away and I haven’t gotten my act together. I’m starting to unravel. Correction! My wife would say that I am completely unraveled. Thank God for her optimism.
The good news about all of the stuff that goes wrong in any one event we plan is that what we remember are only the things that went right. I’d like to think of it as divine forgetfulness. I don’t know who put this out there, but a flawless plan for anything is inherently flawed. In other words, the perfect holiday is as elusive as unicorns and the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It didn’t happen then and it isn’t happening now.
The Ghost of Christmas Present
Today is that friendly reminder that in order to truly celebrate Christmas, we need to remember what it’s all about. Yes, Jesus is the Reason for the Season. I get that. But, there are gifts to buy, cookies to bake, parties to throw and attend, and oh, by the way, don’t forget to celebrate, Celebrate, CELEBRATE! So, like everyone else on the planet, I’m trying to create something memorable out of the chaos of the entire holiday buzz. Add to that that I suffer from peoplepleasinitis, a condition by which one takes personal responsibility for everyone else’s happiness and what do you get? A weeping fool curled up in the fetal position and lying in a corner. What went wrong? What is going to go wrong? The holidays will come and go and I won’t be any happier or fulfilled than I am right now. Or will I????
The Ghost of Christmas Future
It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that chasing illusions will only lead to a lot of wasted effort and fatigue. What’s real is that Christmas isn’t about children getting everything on their endless wish list. It isn’t about trying to recreate memories of years gone by or mimicking the plotline of a warm holiday movie. It isn’t even the gathering of family and friends for a good old fashioned Norman Rockwell moment. While all of that might be fun and exciting, it doesn’t even come close to what Christmas is about.
Today, I received news from a young man, whom I came to know this past fall, about the birth of his son. I congratulated him. He sent me back a text letting me know how much our friendship meant to him. I wept. (I told you it was an emotional day.) It occurred to me that if you strip away all of the unmet (and met) expectations of a holiday, what’s left are moments of connection with one another in ways that seem so insignificant and yet are so profound. Even more is that we aren’t distracted from connecting deeply with our Creator. It came down to a decision. Do I just keep trying to keep trying? Or do I let go of the elusive dream in favor of living in the moment, no matter how imperfect it is? Next week there will be friends and family gathered at my house to celebrate Christmas. We will attempt to serve a nice meal and we might even break out the fine china. The house is decorated warmly. But every one of the guests and the host are fallible human beings. Something will not go as planned. And that will have to be okay. Like Ebenezer Scrooge, I hope this season is a season of redemption for me as it was for him in Dickens’ old yarn. Let it be said like this:
“. . . and it was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! And so, as Tiny Tim observed, God Bless Us, Every One!”
Monday, July 18, 2011
Anthem of a Man's Soul
As I sit here in my office writing this tonight, I am pondering. I am pondering nothing in particular, just thinking about today. Then I think about the last several days, the last several weeks, the last year, etcetera. I am trying to focus my attention on significant things, but I am so distracted. I am so blessed and yet, I forget to pause and express gratitude. It’s as though I am running to who knows what for who knows why. I know all the reasons why I need to stop and reflect, but I can’t seem to actually do it.
The famous country poet, George Strait put it this way. . .
What would happen if I just called a halt to all the personal madness and took a moment to listen? I’ve been camping and hiking all by myself. No one is around. It is just me and the earth. The only sounds are the wild sounds of nature. It is a mystical time of listening to that, which so desperately tries to be heard, but is overtaken by the persistent noise of progress. At that moment, all I can hear is the rush of wind through the evergreens, the babble of water in the stream, birds in song, insects buzzing and distant sounds of nature in a chorus of praise. Together it is a mighty anthem to a Creator so powerful and yet, so intimate with each and every being. And then, I hear the gentle beating of my heart. I am quieted to a place of reverence. I am in awestruck wonder. The balladeer continues. . .
I want more of that kind of existence. The kind where I cherish the moments I have been given. I want to stop, look, listen and see! I want to speak less and hear more. I want to hold onto less and give more; grumble less and love more; rush less and see more. Most of all I want to gather less and be more. Yes, I want to be so, so much more.
Toward a better tomorrow,
Russ
The famous country poet, George Strait put it this way. . .
I've been to church, I've read the book.
I know He's here, but I don't look.
I know He's here, but I don't look.
Near as often as I should.
Yea, I know I should.
What would happen if I just called a halt to all the personal madness and took a moment to listen? I’ve been camping and hiking all by myself. No one is around. It is just me and the earth. The only sounds are the wild sounds of nature. It is a mystical time of listening to that, which so desperately tries to be heard, but is overtaken by the persistent noise of progress. At that moment, all I can hear is the rush of wind through the evergreens, the babble of water in the stream, birds in song, insects buzzing and distant sounds of nature in a chorus of praise. Together it is a mighty anthem to a Creator so powerful and yet, so intimate with each and every being. And then, I hear the gentle beating of my heart. I am quieted to a place of reverence. I am in awestruck wonder. The balladeer continues. . .
His finger prints are everywhere.
I just slowed down to stop and stare.
Opened my eyes, and man, I swear.
I saw God today.
I just slowed down to stop and stare.
Opened my eyes, and man, I swear.
I saw God today.
Toward a better tomorrow,
Russ
Monday, March 8, 2010
Where is this coming from?
It's been one of those manic Mondays. Up one minute and down the next. At work, I got hammered for decisions I made and a few minutes later received accolades for something else. So, I'm a bit emotional tonight. When that happens, I retreat and write. And so, here you go.
I've been having that crisis of faith lately. The one where you wonder how God loves you even when you screw up all the time? You know what I'm talking about. But here I am taking the leap anyway and testing God. Mind you, I am NOT testing God in the sense that I am pushing an envelop with God. I may be thick headed and stubborn, but I am NOT stupid. Nobody ought to push the envelop with God. He might push back and that would be most unpleasant. No, what I mean is that I am asking God to do some mighty things in my life.
You see, I am a doubter and there are some pretty ugly things in my life that I want to just go away. I'm going to take the plunge and ask God to get rid of it once and for all. And if I know God the way I think I do, He will. But in its place I am also asking for that thing that makes living a life of faith real. I am asking that the life I live will be one of boldness and courage. So how's that working out? First let me say that what I write here is not done so to toot my own horn. Believe me, some of what has happened lately has me reeling with bewilderment.
It began with casual conversations, but I realized more people actually read "Centering the Wolf" than I thought. At first, people would comment on the writing itself, but lately more and more people have talked about the content of the writing. Admittedly, it has been more focused on my own relationship with my Creator than at the beginning. So, maybe it's striking a chord with people. What's more, I've actually wanted to engage in more conversation with them. Most of the time, it has been co-workers who talked to me about what I have written here. Wow.
Last Friday evening I went for a massage. I hadn't been in since January and I was pretty much a knotted up mess. I like my massage therapist, because, for one thing, he does fantastic work to get my kinks out. The second reason is that he is visually impaired and for a man with body image issues having a blind massage therapist is truly a gift. I've been going to him for a little over nine months and in that time I maybe conversed with him two times and most of the time it had to do with how much pressure he should apply. On Friday, he was particularly chatty. You see, I had recently had to cancel my last appointment with him to attend a marriage conference at my church. He was inquisitive about my take on marriage since he considered his former marriage to be one his biggest mistakes and secondly what was my take on church since he was a pastor's kid and the experience was less than expected. Before long, I found myself inviting him to give church another try even offering to take him since driving himself is out of the question. He said he might consider going, if for no other reason than he thought church might be a good place to meet good single women (his words, not mine). Maybe it was my heightened state of relaxation, but something inside me just said "go with this, even if all you do is plant a seed." I'm just going to give God credit for making me bold in that moment, because if you truly know me, you know what a big chicken I really am.
Today, a co-worker stated to me that I am not good at one aspect of my job because I have a soft heart. It wasn't until a few moments afterward that I realized I should have thanked her for the comment. You see? That is how I am created. It was an "ah ha" moment for me. Could I get better at that aspect of my job? Certainly. But, more importantly, I never want to lose my heart for people. That is the legacy I want to leave.
I've been trying to write songs again. I haven't done it since college. But, last week I picked it up again. As I was pondering the next stage of my life, I wanted to capture my thoughts with these words:
Live well and love even more.
I've been having that crisis of faith lately. The one where you wonder how God loves you even when you screw up all the time? You know what I'm talking about. But here I am taking the leap anyway and testing God. Mind you, I am NOT testing God in the sense that I am pushing an envelop with God. I may be thick headed and stubborn, but I am NOT stupid. Nobody ought to push the envelop with God. He might push back and that would be most unpleasant. No, what I mean is that I am asking God to do some mighty things in my life.
You see, I am a doubter and there are some pretty ugly things in my life that I want to just go away. I'm going to take the plunge and ask God to get rid of it once and for all. And if I know God the way I think I do, He will. But in its place I am also asking for that thing that makes living a life of faith real. I am asking that the life I live will be one of boldness and courage. So how's that working out? First let me say that what I write here is not done so to toot my own horn. Believe me, some of what has happened lately has me reeling with bewilderment.
It began with casual conversations, but I realized more people actually read "Centering the Wolf" than I thought. At first, people would comment on the writing itself, but lately more and more people have talked about the content of the writing. Admittedly, it has been more focused on my own relationship with my Creator than at the beginning. So, maybe it's striking a chord with people. What's more, I've actually wanted to engage in more conversation with them. Most of the time, it has been co-workers who talked to me about what I have written here. Wow.
Last Friday evening I went for a massage. I hadn't been in since January and I was pretty much a knotted up mess. I like my massage therapist, because, for one thing, he does fantastic work to get my kinks out. The second reason is that he is visually impaired and for a man with body image issues having a blind massage therapist is truly a gift. I've been going to him for a little over nine months and in that time I maybe conversed with him two times and most of the time it had to do with how much pressure he should apply. On Friday, he was particularly chatty. You see, I had recently had to cancel my last appointment with him to attend a marriage conference at my church. He was inquisitive about my take on marriage since he considered his former marriage to be one his biggest mistakes and secondly what was my take on church since he was a pastor's kid and the experience was less than expected. Before long, I found myself inviting him to give church another try even offering to take him since driving himself is out of the question. He said he might consider going, if for no other reason than he thought church might be a good place to meet good single women (his words, not mine). Maybe it was my heightened state of relaxation, but something inside me just said "go with this, even if all you do is plant a seed." I'm just going to give God credit for making me bold in that moment, because if you truly know me, you know what a big chicken I really am.
Today, a co-worker stated to me that I am not good at one aspect of my job because I have a soft heart. It wasn't until a few moments afterward that I realized I should have thanked her for the comment. You see? That is how I am created. It was an "ah ha" moment for me. Could I get better at that aspect of my job? Certainly. But, more importantly, I never want to lose my heart for people. That is the legacy I want to leave.
I've been trying to write songs again. I haven't done it since college. But, last week I picked it up again. As I was pondering the next stage of my life, I wanted to capture my thoughts with these words:
When I come to the end of my days,
And I fall face down at Your feet.
May I hear Your sweet voice say to me,
"Well done. Come and enter in."
Live well and love even more.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Being Awestruck
My wife and I attended a gathering tonight. It was an evening of humor, laughter and insight. At one point discussion turned toward the mysteries of God--namely the idea of the Trinity. How can God be God, but be also man and spirit? We laughed and bantered about trying to explain the infinitely unnatural in human terms.
Later, on the drive home, my wife and I talked about it some more. For a moment I became lost in the awesomeness of it. I can't even begin to understand God. Nor can I explain how a being so vast and so eternal can be so personal as to want a relationship with me. I just have to accept on faith that He is and He does.
I've been struggling with doubt--wondering how a man with all of my hang-ups, habits and hurts could ever be worthy of the love of One so magnificent. The truth is I am not worthy. And then it struck me. It is not about my worth or lack of worth that matters. It is that God sees me (and each one of us) as a treasure of incalculable value. I am going to try to make that idea real in my day to day life.
Later, on the drive home, my wife and I talked about it some more. For a moment I became lost in the awesomeness of it. I can't even begin to understand God. Nor can I explain how a being so vast and so eternal can be so personal as to want a relationship with me. I just have to accept on faith that He is and He does.
I've been struggling with doubt--wondering how a man with all of my hang-ups, habits and hurts could ever be worthy of the love of One so magnificent. The truth is I am not worthy. And then it struck me. It is not about my worth or lack of worth that matters. It is that God sees me (and each one of us) as a treasure of incalculable value. I am going to try to make that idea real in my day to day life.
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Getting Reacquainted with an Old Friend
This year, the series at church is simply Jesus. Who is this man? What is the balance between his divinity and his humanness? Today I felt like I was getting reacquainted with an old friend. But, more than that I realized that at this juncture in my life and my life as a Christian, I am still so immature.
Early in my life as a Christian, I had been accused of living from one mountain top experience to another which coincidentally coincided with my attendance at camp or some retreat. But, as I have gotten older, I don't attend as many retreats and so those experiences are fewer and farther between. As a younger man, I looked to wiser men and women of faith and said, "I want what they have." But without a firm grasp of what they truly had, I would sink into despair and life would all too soon return to the routine and guilt and shame would replace zeal and hope. Now, people regard me as being all together and some even look to me as one of those seasoned saints with lots of experience. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I feel like a huge phony when it comes to matters of the spiritual heart. What you see is not necessarily what you get. Well, that ends now.
I still want what those other men and women have when it comes to facing the worst life has to throw at us and still remain hopeful and faithful to the One who is above all else. I have a frend from college who is battling colon cancer. What impressed me most about my friend, Steve pre-cancer, was his insanely positive (and humorous) outlook on life. Unless he reads this, he may never know that I saw the way he lived and wanted so much to live life like he does. But now, here is Steve in the midst of a hostile and at times, hopeless battle. And from what I can tell, Steve is facing this with amazing courage and a very positive and hopeful outlook. I'm sure there are moments where he may become overwhelmed and he may even question why. But, Steve's preparation for this battle was his faithful and strong belief in something far greater than this life. And when Steve needed God to show up, God did so in a big way! Is Steve healed? No. But what an inspiration he is to so many of us.
I've made a lot of mistakes. The things of my past haunt me. And now that I've driven the proverbial stake in the ground to mark this moment, I'm sure I can count on pushback from forces both tangible and spiritual. Bring it on. I want others to know that what they see is what they get.
Today, I got reaquainted with an old friend. I am so blessed that the worst of what life has to offer can be met with the best of what Heaven has to offer.
Early in my life as a Christian, I had been accused of living from one mountain top experience to another which coincidentally coincided with my attendance at camp or some retreat. But, as I have gotten older, I don't attend as many retreats and so those experiences are fewer and farther between. As a younger man, I looked to wiser men and women of faith and said, "I want what they have." But without a firm grasp of what they truly had, I would sink into despair and life would all too soon return to the routine and guilt and shame would replace zeal and hope. Now, people regard me as being all together and some even look to me as one of those seasoned saints with lots of experience. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I feel like a huge phony when it comes to matters of the spiritual heart. What you see is not necessarily what you get. Well, that ends now.
I still want what those other men and women have when it comes to facing the worst life has to throw at us and still remain hopeful and faithful to the One who is above all else. I have a frend from college who is battling colon cancer. What impressed me most about my friend, Steve pre-cancer, was his insanely positive (and humorous) outlook on life. Unless he reads this, he may never know that I saw the way he lived and wanted so much to live life like he does. But now, here is Steve in the midst of a hostile and at times, hopeless battle. And from what I can tell, Steve is facing this with amazing courage and a very positive and hopeful outlook. I'm sure there are moments where he may become overwhelmed and he may even question why. But, Steve's preparation for this battle was his faithful and strong belief in something far greater than this life. And when Steve needed God to show up, God did so in a big way! Is Steve healed? No. But what an inspiration he is to so many of us.
I've made a lot of mistakes. The things of my past haunt me. And now that I've driven the proverbial stake in the ground to mark this moment, I'm sure I can count on pushback from forces both tangible and spiritual. Bring it on. I want others to know that what they see is what they get.
Today, I got reaquainted with an old friend. I am so blessed that the worst of what life has to offer can be met with the best of what Heaven has to offer.
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